Chapter 36.
“I think you’ve earned your salt today Murray,” Minnie said. “I’m buying.”
“The cat’s not in the bag yet,” Murray said, apprehensively. “Who knows which way that judge is going to swing.”
We sat in Lou’s Diner across from the courthouse. Lou, at least I think he was Lou, gave me a pile of meat and some bones to chew on. The crunching noise that I made with the bones, irritated Bunny. She said it sounded like I was eating a human under the table. Minnie told her that we had bigger problems than worrying about some silly noise and Chuck suggested that they throw Vernon Wayco under the table, for me to chew on. Max didn’t say very much but he seemed to be upset about some of the things that Murray had said, defending our case. He rattled his cup back on to its saucer. “Seriously Murray, you told them we were a bunch of dimwits with no grasp on reality in there. I haven’t felt that humiliated for years and that’s a low ask in this family.”
Murray nodded sympathetically. “Max, I did what was needed in there. Look on the bright side, I also said Harvey Spinks was the next Jim Jones. The law, is like a card game Max, you’ve just got to figure out the best way to play your hand. And if your opponent is holding all the cards, then your only option, is to kick the table over.”
“I think you did a sterling job in there Murray,” Minnie said. “Max you’re overreacting.”
“Don’t tell me I’m overreacting, I may be old but I’m not stupid and definitely not demented,” he huffed.
“Pop, what else could Murray do?” Rufus asked.
With all the tension at the table, I soon found solace, licking my balls. Unfortunately for me, one of Lou’s waitresses noticed a few customers, looking at me with disgust. She made a beeline for our table with a jug of water. At first I thought it was a reality check, for me. I looked up nervously, stopped what I was doing and braced myself. She filled the glasses on our table and told my family that they had to take me outside because I was upsetting some of the other customers. Dallas volunteered to take me for a walk.
We didn’t walk for long before a few girls recognized Dallas. He seemed to enjoy the attention and forgot about me. I wandered up the street a little further under Dallas’ watchful eye. I spotted Harvey Spinks and Flowers leaving a very expensive looking steakhouse down the street. They walked in my direction. I looked around for Dallas but he was preoccupied with his new female friends. Traffic was too busy for me to cross the street. I was trapped. Suddenly, the most incredible scent of food invaded my nose – the source, was a doggie bag that Flowers was carrying. He looked at me and wagged his finger. “This is for good doggies, you have not been a good doggie. Not for you. Not for you!” he said, like he enjoyed tormenting me.
“That goddam dog is haunting me,” Harvey Spinks said. “Everywhere I look he seems to be there.”
I couldn’t escape the wonderful smell coming from Flowers’ doggie bag – it was hypnotic. Harvey Spinks pointed to a disheveled looking man asleep on a park bench. The man looked homeless – his entire life’s worth, was stuffed into two garbage bags, that sat next to a one stringed guitar.
“Flowers, get your phone out,” Harvey Spinks demanded. “And give me your bag of scraps.”
“Phone Sir?”
“Yes, I want you to film me, giving this food to that homeless man on the bench, but make it look like you’re not intentionally filming me. Make it look like you’ve been filming something else and all of a sudden you see this kind businessman giving his expensive lunch to a homeless man.”
“Do you mind if I ask, why the sudden interest in philanthropy?”
“Yes, I do mind but if you must know, I could do with some positive press should things go south for us with that midget judge after lunch. When life gives you lemons you make lemonade but when life gives you a homeless man one the brink of starvation, you make publicity.”
“Ok and what should I do with the footage?”
“Put it up on the internet, man. You know hash tag the shit out of it and have it trending before the day is out.”
“Sir, trending really depends on whether something goes viral and people connect with it on an emotional level.”
“What’s more emotional than a wealthy, businessman giving his lunch to a down-and-out, crusty, skid row type? I’m nearly tearing up just thinking about it. Trending before the day is out, comprendo!”
“I suppose.....,” Flowers said.
“No supposing. Only yesterday I saw some goddam millennial post a selfie, while he was ladling out soup in a homeless shelter. The guy looked like he’d had full hair and make-up for the shot. You know how many likes and comments that guy got?”
“Lots?”
“Damn right, lots. A cauldron load, that’s how many. Charity is the new social currency, Flowers. Fauxlanthropy is what I like to call it. Might be as fake as a third tit, but it’s that little crevice of doubt that people are afraid to fill. Most people know that kid waving around the ladle is doing it to impress the girls or boys or whatever tickles his fancy but they’re afraid to point it out or they end up being branded part of the troll brigade.”
“I agree, but it does smack of cynicism Sir.”
“Of course you agree because you know it’s true. And as for cynicism, Flowers cynicism is merely a filter for fluff. It’s a fluff filter. Come on man hurry up, I’m not asking you to shoot Citizen Kane.”
“Sorry Sir, I’d switched it off before we went into court.”
Harvey Spinks signaled Flowers to start filming. Flowers gave him the thumbs up. Harvey Spinks moved towards the homeless man. He crouched down beside him and turned his body, so as the camera could see his face. The homeless man jerked himself in to a defensive position. He grappled for his belongings. He was probably younger than Chuck but looked like someone who had been taxed heavily by living on the streets. Harvey Spinks tried to make conversation with the man but the man seemed more interested in Harvey Spinks’ suit and what was in the doggie bag. Harvey Spinks handed it to him and smiled a sickly looking smile. The homeless man opened the bag and inhaled deeply. He recoiled from the bag and coughed.
“What the fuck is this shit?”
“That my hungry looking friend is the finest Kobe beef, cooked to perfection – bloody as a train wreck.”
“I’m vegan dude, this is repulsive,” the homeless man said, tossing the bag away from him.
“Cut Flowers,” Harvey Spinks shouted. “Stop recording. STOP.”
“What the hell makes you think I want a bag of flesh?” the homeless man protested.
“Well pardon me, for not carrying around a sack of bean sprouts. Jesus titty Christ, the homeless are getting picky now,” Harvey Spinks said. “You ever hear the expression, hunger is a good sauce? I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a homeless vegan.”
“This is a dead, fucking animal, man,” the homeless man said. “I’m not eating that, you goddam murderer. Butcher. And what’s going on here? Why are you filming me? I haven’t given permission to be filmed.”
“Oh maybe we could drop into the offices of your legal representation, to discuss your image rights or maybe you might be able to point me in the direction of your agent,” Harvey Spinks said in a mocking tone.
“Hey fuck you man, I have rights the same as everyone else. I might not have a fancy suit and an expensive watch but I have rights too. Why don’t we just kill and eat this Beagle too, while we’re at it?”
“Don’t tempt me,” Harvey Spinks said, glaring down at me.
“What an asshole!” the homeless man said, throwing the bag of food away from him. I moved towards it and stuck my nose inside. While the argument continued I began to gorge – it was delicious.
“You could just have said you didn’t want the food, and spare us your sermon from the soapbox. And I’ll have you know Sonny Jim, I worked my goddam ass off for this watch and this suit. Maybe if you got yourself a job instead of laying about all day on this park bench, paid for by tax payers like me, then you could buy yourself a shed load of tofu,” Harvey Spinks railed. “Oh wait, let me guess you couldn’t find a job that you felt, fitted your skill set.”
“You’re demented. You have no clue what your talking about. If you must know, I did two tours in Iraq and suffered from multiple psychological disorders as a result. I served my country, can you say the same?”
Harvey Spinks jabbed his finger in the direction of the homeless man. “I serve my country every day, you sanctimonious little sprat – I entertain tens of millions of people on a daily basis. I bring light to their mainly miserable little lives, so spare me the validated, martyr routine.”
The homeless man lowered his head and said nothing. He looked crushed. I barked and barked at Harvey Spinks. I wanted to bite him. I’d seen too many poor people being abused when I lived on the streets. They’re not all fallen saints but they’re also not all born to be bad.
“Flowers will you shut that goddam dog up. It’s bad enough that we have to deal with his moron family all morning but to have to have yapping in my ear, like some grandmothers lapdog.”
Flowers looked directly at me an squinted. His eyes widened. “Oh shit Sir, we have a problem.”
“Yes, I think we do have a problem – a problem with this country when I have to deal with unadulterated ingratitude and on top of all that this goddam mutt eats my lunch.”
“Sir, we’ve got a hot dog,” Flowers said.
“A hot dog? What the hell are you babbling about?” Harvey Spinks snapped.
“Look!” Flowers said, pointing directly into my eyes.
“Red light!” Harvey Spinks remarked.
“Red light, hot dog,” Flowers said.
“Red light, hot dog. Why is dog hot and red light on?”
“Dog is hot and red light is on, because camera is live.”
“Live! Who’s in the control room back at the studio?”
“Jeffries, I think,” Flowers said.
Harvey Spinks powered towards me. He looked like a pit-bull – his jaws sawed over one another and he made a hissing sound that I’d never heard a human make before. I retreated a few feet and snarled at him. He stooped down and beamed directly into my eyes. “Jeffries you little fucker, if you have this going out live, I will feed your organs to this Beagle.”
I barked and the red light went dim. For a moment I thought I caused it to go out but realized it was Harvey Spinks’ fury. He whipped around and shouted, “Flowers where the fuck are you?”
Flowers was standing attentively, in shock. A concerto of ding tones sounded from his phone. He swiped through the immediate carnage.
“It’s looking bad Sir,” he said.
“Seriously Flowers, you think? I don’t need to have to PhD in clusterfuckology to know this is a shit-storm of epic proportions.”
“Just got a message from a few sponsors from our other shows, telling me that they’re pulling out. Svenallgon Furniture has just pulled.”
“Goddam Swedes, you just can’t count on them when you’re thick in the fray.”
“A few influencers are sharpening their knives by the looks of things,” Flowers said.
“Who’s idea was it to have this mutt rigged up with a camera today?”
There was that word mutt again. Flowers looked like he was about to pass out. The blood drained from his face.
“Ammm Sir, you said you wanted to record the court proceedings. Remember you said it would be great viral material? Pretend someone leaked it?”
“Ok, ok, I’ll wear that one. So, how can we spin this Flowers? Pay off the Fisher King over there and pretend it was all a social experiment?”
Flowers studied the very angry looking homeless man, who was now ranting to himself while he rummaged through one of his garbage bags.
“Possibly. There is rehab,” Flowers said.
“Rehab?”
“Every man and his dog goes to rehab for everything these days Sir, it’s like a self imposed naughty corner for misbehaving adults.”
“I like where you’re going with this,” Harvey Spinks said. “The optics are good but where’s the restitution? Public restitution, that is.”
“Maybe a generous donation to a homeless shelter. Where there’s a way in, there’s a way out, Sir,” Flowers said. “Rehab its like the launderette for the wayward. Thirty days in one of those places, the mass media will smell you like sun dried sheets, in a lavender field.”
“Hmmm, I could make an anonymous donation, that of course would be leaked that it was from me, I mean what’s the point of anonymity?”
“Too true Sir. One must stab one’s flag, in the skull of the fallen.”
“You fix this Flowers and you’re going up that corporate ladder faster than a rat up a drainpipe. That’s a promise.”
“I’ll do my best Sir.”
“I need more than your best. But first try buying off the homeless guy over there. I don’t want to have to buy an entire homeless shelter. There’s no point in buying an entire stable if you’re only interesting in one old nag that’s ready for the glue factory.”
Flowers moved cautiously towards the homeless man. “Excuse me Sir.”
“Get the fuck away from me you psycho,” the homeless man. “I thought I was nuts, you and that other crazy fuck are certifiable. Just go away.”
I barked at Flowers. He stepped backwards. The homeless man reached into one of his garbage bags and rummaged around while he kept a bead on Harvey Spinks and Flowers. “Don’t make me use this.”
“He’s bluffing Flowers,” Harvey Spinks scoffed. “The worst thing he’s got in there, is month old underpants.”
“Sir, he might need a cooling off period, besides we need to get back to court for the verdict.”
Flowers gave the homeless man his business card and pleaded with him to be reasonable and that he would be generously compensated if he did the right thing – the right thing being an agreement, that he’d been part of a ‘social experiment’. He was offered an immediate signing bonus of a thousand dollars in cash and two new suitcases. Harvey Spinks and Flowers hadn’t figured out what the actual social experiment was attempting to uncover, but they thought it might help them buy some time. A maniacal, “FUCK YOU”, entered the conversation from the homeless man – apparently, he didn’t do non-disclosure agreements or social experiments.
“Jesus, this is all I need,” Harvey Spinks said. “And why is this fucking dog still here? I’ll bet the little bastard knows exactly what’s going on and he’s enjoying it. Look at him. Look at his beady little eyes. He’s enjoying this. Just look at him, licking his chops. He looks like he’s grinning at me.”
Flowers looked concerned. “Sir, if you want maybe you might want to sit this one out and let me go as your proxy. I’m sure it’s a done deal. Just a case of crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s.”
“Are you kidding me? I want to see the reaction in their eyes when they know who owns their asses for the next three years. I want to see them squirm. I want to see the life drain from the kill. And let me tell you, I’ll have that ungrateful gaggle of bastards working harder than kids at an Indonesian sneaker factory. No more mister nice guy from me Flowers.”