Chapter 34.
Murray twisted the top button of his shirt, forcing a little bit of loose skin in behind the collar. He winced as he poked his Adam’s apple down behind the knot of his neck tie. The tiniest flecks of white lint and unseen hairs were no challenge for ‘The Lintoff’ – a magical product, from a company who’s successful infomercial I’d featured in. Lint would never be a problem for future generations of the Movi family – boxes of the product, lined shelves of the shed, where Murray had set up his office. Murray’s shoes creaked like old floorboards and made a thunking sound when he squeezed his feet into their final resting place. He dragged a comb through hair, that looked like wet silver paint stenciled onto a pasty freckled skull. He teased and plucked the corner of a pink handkerchief out of his breast pocket, like it was too shy or too scared to make an entrance, for his first day of our trial. Murray stood and looked at his best self, in the reflection of a cracked Jack Daniels mirror, and sighed. “God, not you again. One last time into the fray old boy and then you’re gone for good.” He pointed at his reflection. “You’re gone, you get it?”
I barked at him. He turned and smiled at me. “No play time, right now Chumley, I can’t afford to be getting your hairs all over my freshly minted suit. It’s magic time for Murray. Wish me luck.”
He finished his ritual with a few deep breaths and left to meet the others.
“Are we ready for battle?” Minnie asked.
“Yes,” Murray said. “I’ve never felt as confidant about anything in my life before.”
Minnie brushed Murray’s sleeve. “You’re looking sharp Murray.”
“Ah, it’s not me anymore,” he protested. “I feel restricted. It feels like a straitjacket.”
“You’ll probably need one where we’re going,” Minnie said.
“What the hell was going on with the bonfire last night?” Max demanded.
“Just clearing house and clearing my head,” Murray said. “De-cluttering!”
“It was like a goddam inferno out there, I almost called the fire department,” Max grumbled.
“What’s the play?” Lenny asked.
“You’ll have to bear with me and trust my lead on this one,” Murray said re-assuredly.
“You’re the man, Murray. I mean, not the man but the brains,” Lenny said.
We all waited for some kind of reassurance from Murray.
“What I’m going for, is what I like to call, the one inch punch defense.”
“One inch punch?” Chuck asked.
“Yes, the one inch punch. You know Bruce Lee the famous kung fu artist, could knock a man twice his weight across a room, with a one inch punch. It uses a force called ‘fa jin’ to generate an explosive amount of impact, from an extremely close distance.”
Lenny looked to Max and then to Chuck. Chuck looked to Dallas and Dallas looked to Bunny, who was looking at the screen on her phone. Everyone looked confused, while Minnie made sandwiches.
“Murray are you on some kind of heavy duty hormone replacement drugs?” Max yelped. “What the hell are you talking about? Bruce Lee! One inch punches!”
“You must realize Harvey Spinks and his merry bunch of suits could drag us through the courts for years and that’s exactly what they’ll be expecting. They’ll want to bleed us dry, with death by a thousand cuts. But we’re going to draw them in close, really close and them boom, knock them clean across the room. I have to tell you, it came to me like an epiphany, when I sat there in that warehouse, waiting to be bludgeoned by those two Polish goons.”
“Are you sure they didn’t hit you with a heavy blunt object?” Lenny asked. “Murray this sounds nuts.”
“Ok, how do we do this one inch punch?” Dallas asked.
“That, I can’t tell you.”
“Wait, you don’t know?” Bunny asked, looking up from her little screen.
“Oh, I know but I can’t tell you.”
“Why can’t you tell us?” Lenny asked.
“Because you have to arrive at the court looking like lost lambs about to be slaughtered by Harvey Spinks’ legal team.”
“Murray, I think that’s a given after all this talk of one inch punches. I’m not just a lost lamb, I’m a lost headless lamb. You expect to beat Harvey Spinks with something that sounds like Bruce Lee’s aftershave? Farbin or whatever you call it.”
“Fa jin. It means explosive power,” Murray said. “It’s all so clear to me now.”
“Jesus titty Christ Murray, cough it up, what the hell is the plan?” Max demanded. “Have you gone mad? Are you demented? Have you lost your goddam marbles?”
“You see what I’m going to unveil in that courtroom has got to be shock and awe, not just for Harvey Spinks and the judge, but also for you.”
“Why?”
“Because for it to work, you’ve got to look stunned and I’m afraid you’re not going to be able to pull it off by playing the role of being shocked – you’ve got to be there in the fray, when the fat man explodes. You’ve got to be clambering through the dust trying to understand your situation. You’ve got to be, blind.”
Everyone in the room hunted each other’s reactions, to determine if Murray’s pitch was concocted by someone, who deserved to be living outside a padded cell.
“Blind! Stevie Wonder would see things more clearly if he went mud diving, wearing a pair of welding goggles. I already have no clue what you’re talking about,” Max blustered.
“Good this is good. This is progress.”
“We’ve got to go,” Chuck said tapping his wrist.
“Are you sure this is wise, arriving at our court case in a borrowed limo, driven by someone who doesn’t even have a limo license?” Bunny asked.
“Noted,” Chuck said. “But we’ll look like the Beverly Hillbillies if we all load into Lenny’s truck. So young lady, the alternative is multiple cars and think of what we save on parking.”
We piled into Chuck’s borrowed limo. Minnie thought it was best that Teddy should stay at home with Goldie – a vodka breakfast had sidelined her plans to join the court proceedings. Chuck squeezed on his chauffeur hat and held the door open for us like we were VIPs.
“I just hope he’s not going to start stripping up front,” Max said. “I’ve had a big breakfast and I just couldn’t stomach that right now.”
“Are you sure we can bring Chumley into court Murray?” Minnie asked.
“He’s one of the family members so he gets to be there. Just make sure he goes pee pee before we go in, or he’s going to be run out of there faster than a fox from a hen house.”
Chuck shouted from his drivers seat, “I’ve got it Murray you’re going to plead us all as insane. It’s brilliant.” He slapped the dashboard. “It’s genius Murray! Some people just don’t recognize a visionary even if they’re standing right in front of them. Did I ever tell you, that I once met Steve Jobs?”
“No, you didn’t tell me that Chuck,” Murray said, feigning interest. “And no, I’m not pleading insanity. I think that would be a little difficult to prove an entire family is insane unless you’re surname is Manson.”
“That was not Steve Jobs, that was an old, skinny street mime,” Lenny said.
“It was Steve Jobs,” Chuck argued.
“And why the hell would Steve Jobs be pulling a goddam invisible rope on the sidewalk next to an empty hat?” Lenny asked.
“Research,” Chuck said. “He was famous for thinking outside the box.”
“He looked like he was trying to escape from one, with that bullshit mime act of his.”
“I hate mimes,” Rufus said. “I always feel like punching them in the face. I don’t know why. I’m not normally a violent man.”
“Everyone has their trigger Rufe,” Chuck said, miming a crying clown.
“You’re probably an exception Chuck, you don’t need to be a mime to warrant a punch in the face,” Lenny said.
“Hey I’m a stuntman, I can take a punch from the best of them.”
Rufus stared down at Murray’s feet and looked at either side of him. He looked around on the floor of the limo and panicked. “Did you forget your briefcase Murray?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you supposed to have notes and legal documents and lots of those yellow notepads?”
“No, all the documents have been filed and all my notes are up here,” Murray said tapping on his temple. “You’ve been watching too many of those legal TV shows.”
“Rainman Shamowski in the house,” Chuck exclaimed.
“Don’t worry, I’m prepared,” he said tugging his collar away from his Adam’s apple.
I knew Murray was nervous but he didn’t want the rest of the family to be worried. “Are they filming the court proceedings?” Bunny asked.
“No, not allowed,” Murray said.
Max rustled through the mini bar. “I could do with a little Dutch courage. I like to be fast and loose in situations like these.”
Chuck frowned into the rear view mirror. “Gramps that’s for paying customers not ride on, freeloading family members.”
Minnie snorted. “Unless there’s a couple of hip replacements in that mini bar, you’re going to need more than a few nips from a vodka bottle, for you to get fast and loose.”
Max proceeded to attempt some squat thrusts in the back of the limo before falling onto Rufus. Rufus eased Max back into his seat.
“I never lost it,” he said.
“But we’ll be in the papers, right?” Bunny asked as she carefully painted her lips in bright red. “This is kind of a big thing, right?”
Murray broke his gaze from the passing traffic. “Gossip mags maybe but I can’t see this making the headlines in the broadsheets. But who’d want that anyway?”
“On a scale of one to ten what do you think our chances are of winning?” Dallas asked.
“We’ve got a very impatient judge who doesn’t like wading through BS, which will work in our favour, so I’d give us a solid six-point-five.”
“Per cent?” Lenny demanded.
“No, out of ten,” Murray said. “Sixty five per cent.”
Our limo eased up to the front of the courthouse.
“Hey there’s Harvey Spinks and his flunkies,” Chuck shouted.
“Maybe you could save us all a lot of time and hassle and just mow them down,’ Lenny said. “It is your signature dance move after all.”
Minnie giggled an evil little giggle. “Don’t tempt the boy.”
“Where would be the fun in that? That would be far too humane” Chuck said. “I want to see Murray here, skewer them and watch them bleed out.”
“I’ve got to dump the shark and I’ll see you inside,” Chuck said. “Don’t go winning without me Murray.”
Murray attempted to smile but his entire face looked frozen in fear. I moved over to him and jumped up on the seat beside him. He patted me on the head and he appeared to loosen up a little while we waited for the others to exit the limo. He leaned into the mini bar and grabbed the first bottle he could lay his hands on. It was Blue Curacao. He took a long swig and grimaced. Chuck waited until everyone else was out of earshot.
“Don’t worry Murray,” Chuck whispered to him. “One of the greatest legends of all time used to say, courage is being scared shitless but saddling up anyway.”
“Ghandi?”
“The Duke. John Wayne,” Chuck said. “You’re going to kill ‘em in there Murray. Kill them!”
Murray nodded. His face relaxed.
“See you on the dark side,” Chuck said.
Murray and I were greeted by a small group of raggedy looking journalists. I knew he was ready for battle – I could smell it.