Chapter 31.
I’d been left in Max’s care, while the family secreted Murray to his new digs at Lenny’s house. Max slept most of the day between his favourite TV shows and infomercials. Spending time with Max is nice, if you don’t want to do very much but I usually get restless, because his snoring wakes me up and then I want to do something – anything. I often thought he didn’t like the responsibility of looking after me, whenever the rest of the family were out of the house. He would pen me into the kitchen, when he went upstairs to the bathroom or to answer the front door. Maybe he was afraid that I would bite him while he was on the commode or that I would attack the caller at the front door – on this particular day, it was a habit that he would live to regret.
I’d been dozing inside the kitchen, while Max was on one of his many lengthy bathroom visits. The door bell rang. It rang again and again. Then a heavy thumping on the front door erupted. I could see through the glass panels of the kitchen door that a few men were causing all the ruckus. Max shuffled down the stairs grumbling loudly. “Stop all the hammering, I’m coming, I’m coming. There better be a goddam fire with all this noise,” he shouted.
The thumping continued and as it grew louder, one of those ominous feelings welled inside me, that something really bad was about to happen. I scratched on the inside of the kitchen door. I started to bark as loud as I could. I tried to warn Max that something bad was about to happen. He snapped at me and told me to shut up. I whined and howled. The thumping on the front door continued. I barked and barked. Max yelled again, for me to stop.
Once he unlatched the front door it burst in, knocking him on the flat of his back. I barked and barked and scratched with both paws. I knew Minnie would be angry when she would see the marks on the paint but I needed to help Max. Two men wearing Donald Trump rubber masks walked in casually like they owned the place. One was a tall Donald Trump and the other was a short, fat Donald Trump. I recognized their scent from Murray’s memorial. The one who’s leg I chewed into, noticed me. He moved towards the glass that I was confined behind. He pointed directly at me and grinned a filthy cat grin, while he reveled in my distress. I wanted to bite him so badly. I jumped up and banged my muzzle against the glass. He tapped on the glass panel and laughed. Max feebly tried to escape, crawling backwards on the big rug in the hallway. The rug slid from under him and piled up at the feet of the smaller of the two Donald Trump’s. They demanded to know where Murray was hiding.
Max cried, “I don’t know, I’m just an old man, no one tells me anything. I don’t even know where I am most of the time.”
The man stepped on Max’s foot. “Old man, I don’t think you’re stupid, you tell me where fat man in dress is. We know he was here. We see him on TV show,” the smaller of the Donald Trump’s said. He looked around. “Or we have to take something to trade for him.”
“Trade? What do you mean trade?” Max asked. “We have nothing. We’re not wealthy.”
“Oh yes, I know this. You don’t have, how you say, a pot to piss in.”
“So what do you want?”
The larger Donald Trump pointed in my direction, “You want to take dog?”
I barked and barked and scratched furiously.
“No, no, no, I don’t want fleabag dog. It piss everywhere. No, we take old man.”
“But old man, piss everywhere too,” the large Donald Trump said.
Horror and fear tightened every fibre in Max’s body. He pointed at the large Donald Trump. “He’s right, I do piss everywhere, I have a very weak bladder. I’ll get Murray to call you when I see him.”
The short, fat Donald Trump howled with laughter. “Oh ok, why don’t your people call my people and we can get together for a nice cup of tea at the Whitehouse and discuss everything like gentlemen? Don’t be silly old man. Now let’s just make it easy for everyone, including you.”
Max made a feeble attempt to fight off the large Donald Trump.
“You want me to tie him up? Maybe knock him out?” the large Donald Trump asked.
The short, fat Donald Trump kicked the edge of the rug. “No, don’t you know you have to respect your elders? Did no one ever teach you that? No, roll old man in rug. We make big tootsie roll with old man.”
They rolled Max up in the rug and stood him upright. His head poked out of the top of the roll. He struggled and fought. He looked like he was in great discomfort.
“Tell me old man,” the short, fat Donald Trump asked. “Do we need to tape your mouth shut? Because if you’re going to howl like your dog, then we need tape.”
Max shook his head. “No, I won’t howl, I promise, please don’t tape my mouth shut, I won’t be able to breathe.”
“The two Donald Trumps looked at Max and laughed. The short, fat Donald Trump said, “He remind me of giant Pez dispenser.”
“Very ugly Pez. Maybe if we flick his head back, we get candy,” the large Donald Trump said, flicking his finger at the back of Max’s head.
“If we flick his head back, we get life in prison, so let’s get him out of here,” the short, fat Donald Trump said.
He stuck a note to the glass panel on the kitchen door, blocking my view of them. I could hear Max’s groans as they manhandled him out of the house. I felt like I let him down – I was ashamed. A dog’s first priority is to protect the family and I had failed at my only real task. I felt very sad. I don’t cry much – yes dogs do cry, but on this occasion, I cried until the rest of the family arrived home.
Lenny and Dallas rushed into the house. “Go see if Max is upstairs,” Lenny demanded.
“They took him, you saw they took him,” Dallas said frantically.
Lenny shouted out in vain, to Max – there was no answer. He followed the sound of my barking. Lenny ripped the note from the glass panel on the kitchen door – I was so happy to see his face appear. I bolted when he released me. I ran around the house excited to see my family. Each tried to pat me as I ran past them sniffing for clues. Minnie, Rufus and Bunny cautiously poked their heads in through the front door.
“Where’s Teddy and Goldie?” Rufus asked.
Dallas yelled, “They’re upstairs!”
“Upstairs!” Minnie yelped.
A very sleepy looking Teddy arrived at the top of the stairs in his silk dressing gown and monogrammed slippers. “What’s all this racket? What’s going on?”
“Have you been in a coma?” Minnie asked angrily. “They’ve kidnapped Max.”
“Who? Who’s kidnapped Max? I was sleeping. Can you keep it down, Goldie’s also sleeping.”
“Didn’t you hear anything?” Dallas asked. “We watched the entire kidnapping live online.”
“What kidnapping?” Teddy demanded. “What are you talking about?”
“Two Donald Trumps, they stole Max,” Bunny said.
“What? Why in God’s name would Donald Trump want to steal Max?”
Lenny read the note. “It says, swaps old man for Shamowski. Tomorrow. Will call.”
“What kind of gibberish is that?” Rufus snarled. “You’d think they’d at least leave demands we can understand.”
Lenny checked the back of the note. “I think they want Murray in exchange for Max.”
“Poor guy, he must be terrified,” Bunny said.
“Max is a tough old boot,” Minnie said. “We’ve been through a lot tougher than this.”
“Should we be negotiating with terrorists?” Teddy asked. “I’m not so sure Max would want us to negotiate with terrorists.”
Lenny choked. “Are you kidding? Max would give Osama Bin Laden a sponge bath, if he got an audience of more than three for his wheelbarrow routine.”
“They’re not terrorists Grandpa Teddy,” Dallas said. “They’re thugs. Kidnappers.”
“Twenty-four hours of Max’s wheelbarrow routine, will have them running for the first available flight to Stockholm,” Rufus joked.
Minnie took a swing at Rufus’ head with her scarf. “Have some respect, he needs us all, right now. It’s no time for jokes.”
“Why didn’t you hit Lenny when he made the Bin Laden quip?”
“You should know better, you’re older,” Minnie said.
The doorbell rang. I barked and ran through everyone’s legs and skidded into the door. I hoped it was the kidnappers returning. I wanted desperately to savage them beyond repair. Lenny called me back. He peered out through a side window.
“Cops,” he mouthed.
“Get rid of them,” Minnie rasped.
The doorbell rang again. Minnie motioned for him to answer the door. He opened up to two police officers.
“Can I help you?” Lenny asked.
A heavy set, black officer, tagged ‘Officer Carter’, poked his head in through the small gap, “We thought we might be here to help you.”
Lenny moved the officer back outside. He looked back to the family for a signal of what to do. They tried their best to mime for him to get rid of them. The room looked like a bunch of actors warming up for a rehearsal – not very good actors and highly unlikely to get any part that involved mime, as everyone appeared to be miming something completely different.
“How so?” Lenny asked the officers.
“How so? There was a report of a kidnapping live on TV in this house over an hour ago.”
“Oh that!” Lenny gulped. “My grandfather is an old stage actor. He’s always pulling stunts like that. My entire family is starring in our own reality TV show.”
“Can we come in?” the police officer asked. “You know just to tick the box, that we’ve checked the place out.”
Lenny reluctantly agreed. The two police officers were met by a large group of very suspicious looking people in the hallway. Minnie pretended to be cleaning the handset of the phone, while Rufus looked for his non-existent contact lens. I ran towards the officers and sniffed at their feet. They were real police officers. I could tell by the smell from their clothes – there is something unique about the stink from police stations – it’s a cocktail of fear, sweat, blood, grime and drugs.
“You’re telling me that what appeared live on TV earlier was a stunt? It was fake?” Officer Carter asked reaching for his notepad.
Lenny pointed to some of the cameras positioned around the house. “We’re on air right now,” he said, pointing at me. “Chumley our dog, even has a camera on his back. See!”
Officer Carter’s partner waved to one of the cameras and mustered a smile. Officer Carter appeared unimpressed. “Ok, but we got a very distressed call, from an old lady at some retirement home, who said she knew him and that he looked like he was being taken against his will.”
Minnie moved over to the police officers. “My husband has been scene stealing, since before your parents were walking the earth. He’d do anything for a bit.”
Officer Carter nodded and tucked his notepad back into his shirt pocket. He took one long look around and ushered is partner out the door. Everyone smiled at the officers as they left. Lenny double locked the door. He slid down to the floor against the door.
“I’m really getting too old for shit like this,” he said.
“Bathroom now and kill Chumley,” Minnie said. “His camera, that is!”
Once again we found ourselves huddled in the sanctum of Minnie’s bathroom, surrounded by the sickly sweet scent of baby powder and face cream, clambering for an exit strategy, from the prying eyes, of tens of thousands of viewers. Minnie dismissed Teddy and Goldie telling they could be excused from the proceedings and would be better off sleeping off their hangovers – I could tell that she was very angry with them and currently too preoccupied to chastise them.
“Ok is it me but have we just royally screwed up?” Lenny asked.
“How so?” Rufus asked.
“We’re on camera arriving into the house and acknowledging that Max was kidnapped and then we lie to the cops and tell them that it’s a bit he was pulling. How the hell is that going to fly?”
Rufus looked panicked. “My God, you’re right, I can’t go to jail for perverting the course of justice. You know what perverts in jail will do to someone of my un-athletic persuasion.”
“No one is going to jail,” Minnie said.
Lenny’s phone rang. “Oh shit, this is all we need, it’s Flowers,” he said.
He flicked it to speakerphone. “Flowers I can’t believe it’s almost one single day since I’ve heard from you,” Lenny said.
All we could hear was clapping. It continued for almost a minute.
“Do you hear that?” Harvey Spinks asked. “That is the sound of success. The show ratings have gone through the roof. You realize that big data is telling us that there are people in Africa, Asia and South America glued to the show.”
“And your point?” Minnie asked bluntly.
“My point is that we should let bygones be bygones and blossom together like a beautiful garden. With this latest drama, people have their snouts buried in it, like hungry little piggies at the trough and they just can’t get enough of it.”
“And was it you, who let those two wolves in to our garden to take one of my family, to take my husband Max?” Minnie demanded.
“We had nothing to do with that Minnie, I can assure you of that,” Harvey Spinks said. “I would never do anything like that. Frankly, I’m offended that you would suggest such a thing. I’m offended by that slanderous suggestion.”
Minnie mocked Harvey Spinks, with hand gestures that looked yapping chickens.
“Your wellbeing is of no interest to me. And as regards believing you, if you told me it was daylight outside, I’d double check.”
“I’m hurt Minnie. Hurt. That stings,” Harvey Spinks said. “So let me guess your next move is you trade the tranny in a teepee, for captain wheelbarrow and you think you’re all going to ride off into the sunset, in that old Cadillac of yours? Is that what you think?”
No one said anything. We all just looked at each other.
“Maybe in the land of pixies and unicorns but here in reality, what’s going to happen is this – you’re going to do your little trade with those Polish bozos and then you’re going to get back in the program and begin doing what you’re told, and dance the little dance that your contract tells you to dance. Don’t get me wrong, I like it when you go a little off script – it’s unpredictable and Joe string vest sitting on his couch all day, probably thinks it’s the most groundbreaking thing since Jerry Springer invited the great unwashed into his studio. But when you do go off script, I have to know where you’re going. Are we crystal?”
No one said anything. I yawned. I was tired from all the barking and had calmed down after a very eventful day. Minnie walked over to Lenny, pointed at his phone and made a throat cutting gesture with her finger across her throat.
“Did you hear what I said?” Harvey Spinks demanded.
Lenny hung up.
“He knows what we’re going to do but he doesn’t know everything,” Minnie said. “Go get Murray and bring him here, we’ve got to get Max back.”
“But what about Murray?” Rufus asked. “What’s going to become of him? We’re allowing Murray to become the sacrificial lamb?”
“Lamb is stretching it a little. Would you tangle with a three-hundred pound, hormonally imbalanced man in a dress?” Minnie asked. “Murray dug this hole with his own hands, but we’re not for one second, going to leave him lying there, we’re going to get him out and he’s going to get us out from under this train-wreck. And if he doesn’t get this mess sorted out, I’ll kill him myself.”