Chapter 30.
‘Just because you sprung Missus Doubtfire from Il Camino, doesn’t mean that anything changes,’ read Flowers’ text message on Lenny’s phone – followed by ‘Feature on Chuck’s acting debut on channel 68. Don’t think he’ll be calling the tailor for a new tux for those red carpets!’
Features that run on any media platform, with Chuck front and centre, are generally not good for anyone, especially Chuck. Channel sixty-eight was a Spanish-only speaking channel. Dallas did the needful and tuned us in. The first few clips, were of Chuck’s new career as an actor. I might not be a film critic but even a dog with limited appreciation of the finer skills of the acting craft, could tell that Chuck’s performance in ‘Vampiros Del Diablos’ was as convincing as a fire hydrant attempting Marlon Brando’s role, in ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’. Dallas giggled. Rufus, Lenny and Bunny joined in, rising to a full throaty howl. The next clip had him driving over the lead actor, who’s part he snatched through his misadventure. The laughing continued. Minnie didn’t look too amused by her family laughing at their brother, uncle and nephew. More footage had Chuck reversing back over the director and cameraman, followed by people rushing to their aid. The cameraman struggled to attack Chuck, from the confines of his makeshift stretcher. A Mexican entertainment news presenter did her best to hide her amusement between the segments of Chuck’s woes.
“Chuck never told us he drove over the director – lead actor yes, but director and cameraman no,” Lenny said.
“Maybe Chuck is gunning to be a true auteur,” Rufus said.
“I’ll bet the boom pole operator is a little nervous,” Lenny said.
“You know I can hear you,” yelled Chuck’s head, which was supported by a leaky ketchup bottle on the kitchen table.
“We knew you were there,” Lenny said, not knowing that Chuck could hear them.
Chuck sounded disappointed. “By the way thanks for laughing at me. I know I’m no Lawrence Olivier but I’m not Bozo the clown either.”
“You were watching us?” Rufus asked.
“Yeah, Flowers told me that you were going to be watching a feature about me.”
“That dirty little sneak,” Minnie rasped.
Dallas scrolled and tapped at his phone. “Look on the bright side, the viewing numbers have gone bananas.”
Another message popped onto Lenny’s phone. ‘I’m watching all of you right now’. Lenny shook his head wearily.
Max shuffled in to the kitchen. “Does this mean that the film you’re in, is on a hiatus? Now that you’ve run down most of the cast and crew.” he said.
“Yep Gramps, afraid so. Production shut down over a week ago,” Chuck said. “Permanently by the looks of things.”
“And you never told us. Why didn’t you tell us?” Minnie asked.
Chuck is usually a very positive human being, in a kind of puppy like way, but he appeared forlorn.
“It’s not exactly something that you want to advertise Grandma,” Chuck said. “I got enough shit down here, about the whole episode. Apparently the cameraman, was kind of a big thing. He’s a big name in the Indie movie scene down here.”
“What next then?” Rufus asked. “Plenty more fish in the sea old boy.”
“I don’t know. I’ve got to stay here for a bit longer as there’s a negligence claim by the director and cameraman. My options are a bit thin on the ground following this latest debacle. And now that Flowers has broadcast it to the masses, I’d be lucky to get a stunt gig in North Korea or Venezuela.”
“Don’t worry Chuckie, we’re going to be getting out from under the claw of those shysters,” Max said. “We’ve got a plan.”
Minnie threw a dish cloth at Max. “Are you sure you don’t want to take an ad out on the front page of Variety.”
Max shrugged his shoulders. “What did I do? I’m just trying to talk him off the ledge. It’s all going to be good Chuckie.”
“Thanks Gramps, but I’m ok.”
“And on a positive note you’ll have lots more time to prepare for your daily segment,” Dallas said.
“Oh yeah, and I hope that little fucker Flowers is listening, because I’m going prison yard, on your ass. The gloves are off bucko. No limits. You fucked me over, now I’m pulling down the whole house of cards.”
Max jumped from his seat and thumped the table with his fists. “You go get them Chuckie, don’t take any shit from the swine. It’s time for a revolution. We’ve been under the steel boot of these people for too long.”
“Be quiet, you old fool,” Minnie yelped. “Stay put Chuck and if there’s anything you need let us know.”
Bunny and Muffy arrived, surrounded by a horde of designer purchases. They always seemed happiest when they had multiple bags dangling from them like baubles on a Christmas tree. The happiness never seemed to last very long until the next outing – it’s something I could never understand about humans. I ran out to sniff their latest stockpile of happiness. Muffy shooed me away. I tried again but she pushed me out of the way with her bags. I was disappointed, so I snuck out the open door. I sniffed around for a little bit until I heard a faint grunting sound. I ran around the back of the house and barked at the foreign sound. That’s when I saw Murray wearing a dress and Chuck’s crash helmet, crossing over on a ladder from the roof of the shed into Rufus’ bathroom. At first I didn’t recognize him and barked but then I picked up on his scent. He moved very carefully – he laid horizontally on the ladder, and slid along the ladder, pushing himself with his feet and pulling himself with both hands. I barked at him. He turned to look at me and cautiously waved. I could hear a muffled, “Hi Chumley” from the confines of Chuck’s crash helmet. I sat and watched him for a while. He took a long time to make the journey across the peaks, between the rooftops. I barked again at him, when he reached Rufus’ bathroom window. He wrestled his way inside, tearing his dress. I waited a little longer but he was gone. I sniffed around a little bit more until Lenny came out and tackled me.
“What are you doing out here boy? Sneaky little devil aren’t you? You’re not supposed to be out here with this doohickey attached to you.”
Lenny shepherded me back inside, to the gloating sound of Muffy, who took great pleasure in hearing about Chuck’s latest fiasco. When she laughed, a loud machine-like vibrating sound, vented from her face, that made her look and sound like some kind of tropical bird, hunting for a mate.
“Most people would say that’s got to be a first but in your case it seems to be a recurring theme,” Muffy said. “You mowed down half the crew and the lead actor. You will at the very least be immortalized for that Chuck. It’s out there forever.”
“I’ll give you one thing Muffy you’re consistent. You’re a perpetual bitch,” Chuck said irately.
“Oh, dry your eyes princess, as they say there’s no such thing as bad press. Do you realize that the numbskull brigade sitting with their TV dinners on their laps, will think you’re the next big thing, since TV dinners? Chuck, the champion of the chumps.”
“Sometimes, you’re cruelty has no measure,” Minnie said. “If you haven’t got something good to say, why say anything?”
“Come on Minnie, this kind of riffing is driving the show’s ratings sky high and you know it.” Muffy said. “Dallas check the hit count on the site. I’m happy to play the wicked witch of the East. They love me, when I play the bitch.”
“Play?” Minnie remarked. “You must have been preparing for this role for quite some time, before the show was even a whisper of an idea, in the pea brains of those two miscreants, Flowers and Harvey Spinks.”
Dallas gasped at his little phone screen. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.”
“Language!” Minnie complained.
“Oh shit, check this out,” he said holding up his little screen. “It’s our guest, getting some air. Flowers must have posted it from...... Chumley’s camera.”
Everyone in the room looked at me, like I’d done something wrong. I knew I’d done something wrong. They all huddled together around Dallas’ phone and examined it like it was a precious jewel. I poked my head in between their legs. Lenny pointed to the screen and then accusingly at me. Flowers had leaked footage of Murray crawling across from the roof of the shed in through Rufus’ bathroom window wearing a crash helmet and maternity dress – unfortunately for Murray and the viewers he wasn’t wearing any underwear. It was like royal jelly for commentators. Lenny cackled at some of the comments. One wrote, ‘Fat Vader escapes the Death Star’ and another read, ‘Is it me, or has Cat Woman put on a few pounds and grown a few hairy boys?’ Murray became cannon fodder for trolls from coast to coast. Flowers reveled in the publicity and viewer numbers. ‘Looks like Matlock in a dress could be the next big thing. Keep up the good work! The public are gobbling it up’.
“Meeting in my bathroom,” Minnie said.
“I think I’ll sit this one out. I’ve had enough entertainment for one day,” Muffy said grabbing her latest pile of fashion on her escape.
The rest of us scrambled upstairs and jammed into Minnie’s bathroom. Rufus signaled from his bathroom window for Murray to join us. Murray was hidden behind volumes of legal books.
“It’s going to take Murray quite a while to get over here,” Rufus said. “Maybe we should begin without him.”
“Why doesn’t he come in through the front door? They know he’s living here, so it’s pointless him coming across the Khyber Pass,” Lenny said.
“He could do with the exercise,” Max said, from the comfort of Minnie’s commode. “He’s been eating those Pierogis, like they’re going out of fashion.”
We sat waiting in Minnie’s bathroom watching Murray slowly make his way across the ladder like a giant, floral printed caterpillar. He arched, pushed and dragged himself as carefully as he could.
“Ten bucks says he drops,” Chuck’s head said, from the shelf above the hand basin. “Hey wait a minute is that my crash helmet? That better not be my Rusty McKaygan limited edition. Dallas turn my head for a better view. Point me directly at Murray.” “Ten bucks say he makes it, but it takes him over seven minutes for the trip over,” Lenny said.
“I’ll take that bet,” Rufus said. “Ha, he speeds up once he passes the halfway mark.”
“He won’t make it, he’s going down,” Chuck said. “You’re going down Murray, YOU’RE GOING DOWN, to splat town”
“Come on Murray, you can do it,” Rufus said strangling the shower curtain. “Don’t stop, don’t stop Murray. You want it Murray, you need this Murray. Move it you bastard.”
“Pace yourself Murray, pace yourself big guy,” Lenny said. “It’s better to arrive slowly in one piece, than not at all.”
“You’re going down Murray,” Chuck said. “You......Are....Going.....Down....Town.... Murray. Just don’t scratch my helmet. Keep your head up when you hit the ground.”
“WILL YOU IDIOTS SHUT THE HELL UP,” Minnie snapped. “We’ve got enough on our plate at the moment than to be goofing off with stuff like this.”
“What’s the plan Minnie?” Dallas asked.
“The plan is we have to get Murray out of here,” Minnie said. “Those two Polish men will come looking for him and not for a social visit.”
“He can lie low, down here in Mexico,” Chuck said.
“No, he’s got to be here for the case,” Minnie said.
“He can hang in my place,” Lenny said.
Minnie exhaled a slow sigh of relief. “Good it’s settled.”
We could hear Murray fall in through the window of Rufus’ bathroom. He sounded like he was rolling around on the floor. Lenny checked his watch.
“Ten bucks suckers,” Lenny said. “That was over eight minutes.”
“Yeah, like I’ve got ten bucks, I don’t even have a job anymore,” Rufus said.
“I’d love to pay you but geography prevents bro’,” Chuck said.
“Cheap bastards,” Lenny said.
Murray arrived into Minnie’s bathroom, looking like he’d been shot from a circus cannon and missed the net.
“Murray grab your stuff, you’re coming with me,” Lenny said. “We better get cracking.”
“I’ve got to go back over again?” Murray asked wearily. “What was the point in me coming.... Oh forget it.”
He turned around and began the journey back over.
“Should we tell him to use the front door?” Lenny asked.
“Nah!” Chuck said. “Doubles or quits? Because this time I know he’s going down town.”
“You’re on,” Rufus said.
“You don’t even have any money,” Lenny said.
Minnie threw her hands up and walked out.
“Yes but I will,” Rufus said. “It’s downhill on the way back over and I think he’s really getting the hang of it.”
“He’s weak from the trip over, I can see him shaking,” Chuck said. “He is going down, to pavement town.”